Like most of us, I often wondered about life – about its meaning and direction. Since childhood, something deep inside me pulled me toward the idea of finding a life partner, of creating a family. The years passed, and the dream never came true. Why?
You are never alone in a dream. There is a partner, there is nature, there is society.
And so, even in my case, a dream that seemed simple became impossible to reach.
As the river of time flowed, the dream turned gray, its glow faded. My eyes saw more, and reason whispered:
“This is how it’s meant to be. You have no worries. You live only for yourself – just as many would wish to.”
Then came reality – the one I see around me, in the lives of friends, in the lives of my parents. The idea of it is beautiful: the pregnancy, the joy, the shared expectation.
Yes… but how much effort it truly takes.
Eventually, I told myself that maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
A child could already be standing on its own feet, starting a life of its own.
But it isn’t here.
And I feel that it’s all right.
The fundamental condition simply wasn’t met – her.
Time can dull everything, cover the heart with a fine layer of gray sand.
Then one day, a summer breeze comes – warm, gentle – and blows it all away.
Even after all this time, the feeling hasn’t weakened. It sleeps within me.
And sometimes, it only takes meeting someone to awaken it again.
And then – it happened.
A sweetheart who came into my life drew a line behind everything and opened a new chapter – a happy one.
And now I feel a longing. Not a longing for a child, but for a small version of her beside me. A small reflection of the one who is so naturally beautiful in everything that is pure and simple.
It’s a beautiful time. It brings me joy, and I can see that the people around me can feel it too. The true ones in my life rejoice with me.
My parents are happy as well, because they see me calm, fulfilled, at peace. The chapter that began when I was born has ripened into its long-awaited reward.
Yet when we dream of family, we never imagine that the reward might mean being alone. The times we live in push us to travel – for work, for life, for love. They give us the gift of seeing each other through screens, but they do not give us time.
And time… that’s the only thing I want now – to give her.
Time that is now denied to those who once gave it all to bring me into this world.
Reward, or pain? Tell me.
How can someone rejoice in your happiness while losing you at the same time?
Tears come to my eyes. I feel the weight of it, and I know it won’t be the last time. It will return, stronger, when it’s my daughter. Or my son.
I believe that the love of a parent has no rival among feelings.
That it is the only thing that truly teaches us to want good for someone else – fully, unconditionally.
After all the thoughts and all the reasoning, what remains are emotions and dreams.
Just as they were at the beginning.
We continue as we were shaped to.
In the end, how could we ever hope to cover such an ocean of quiet knowing that lives inside our subconscious?