It’s been about a year since I came across these words on Instagram:
“You can’t defeat a man who doesn’t care about pain, failure, rejection, loss, disrespect or heartbreak. He is here to win.”
I liked them.
I had them engraved as my motto.
A motto – yes, even though I never fully identified with it.
Heartbreak had visited me many times. And still, I feared it.
I’m not sure if it belongs under rejection or loss.
Either way, what kept me from fully living those words was a persistent dream of a woman who would love me – and the fear of speaking to anyone in whom I saw even a glimpse of that potential.
And so it was again today.
I went to work with resolve.
And during the nine hours we spent together, I couldn’t bring myself to ask her for a coffee.
Why? I don’t know.
But why does it even matter?
I’m already leaving. I’ll probably never see her again.
I should be looking forward to a new place, to new experiences.
And yet I’m afraid that what I failed to do today was missing the one thing I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
And now it’s gone.
There’s nothing left to fear.
You won’t miss it again.
You don’t have to fear rejection anymore.
You don’t have to fear loss.
The sixth chest?
Yes, today I’m doing it Harry Potter-style.
Today, I’m casting spells with tears – trying to wash away thoughts, and above all, hope and longing.
Today, I rejected any form of self-numbing.
For one reason only: I don’t want to make it easier.
I want to suffer. Fully. Consciously.
So that my mind can finally close this chapter too.
I never want to feel this again.
I want to fully become what I chose to be –
the one who doesn’t lose. Because he cannot lose.
Because he knows he no longer believes in the win.
Because it no longer matters.